Thoughts From An Illuminated Mind: 2012

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Needing To Change My Thoughts About My Best Friend

Not even sure where to begin today....................... Just got into a very negative confrontation with the person that is supposed to be my best friend. I just don't think this is going to work out anymore..... This is very unfortunate because I love this man very much but this is just to much on my mental capacity. I think I am very hurt and even angry at him on some level for not feeling the way I feel about him, yet he spends everyday making an effort to talk to me. He tells me he has never had a friend like me and he says he loves me and cares for me very much. Then he says he is not attracted to me. He's actually not attracted to black ladies...........that is.......unless they are mixed with Hispanic or Asian, then that is ok! This of course, hurts me on a very deep level. I know, intellectually that he has the right to feel whom he want to feel is attractive, but unfortunately, it does hurt me and I truly wish it did not. Throughout my entire life, people haev told me that I am very pretty or beautiful. I guess my ego is just having a real tough time with the rejection. I think more so because it has to do with my ethnicity. ......... I know someone is out there for me and that he'll think I am beautiful. I know of a man that says he loves me and wants me to be his wife, but I just don't feel the same way towards him. Isn't that ironic how the universe will do that? I think there is a lesson here. I just don't want to feel unloved. I need to reinforce that I am worthy of love and that I have value, regardless of what Daniel(his name), thinks. I can't let this kind of emotional strain get to me. I actually feel physically sick from this last encounter......................I'll continue with this later..........maybe....just feel physically sick over it :(