December and The Holidays.........

On December 2nd, 2010 I turned 46! :) I honestly feel like 26 but with the wisdom I have aquired over the past 4 decades plus 6 ;) I had a great time for the first time in many year on my birthday. Good friends were around and I was blessed to get a free Chiropractic Adjustment, which was awesome!
I love this time of year and I also don't like this time of year. lol I have been alone for the holidays and my birthday, until this past one, for almost 6 years. It gets old ;) My family lives on the East Coast and I am on the West. Finances prevent me from being able to go home and visit my parents, who are now 80 and 81 years of age. I have not seen my Mom in 10 years and I believe I saw my Dad about 8 years ago. We met in Galveston, Texas; his birthplace. He was being honored for all his Lifetime Achievements. I was and am SO proud of him :)
I believe I am also a bit on the lonely side. I am so content and feel empowered for living alone for as long as I have but I truly miss the company of a handsome, male companion! :) This Cougar needs to meet an amazing man that wants to be loved and to give love. I am comfortable enough to not just get a man for the sake of having one. I have watched a few females go down that path of doom. I would rather be alone than be with the WRONG man. Oh, I forgot to mention that it's Christmas Eve and I am home, alone, in my apartment relaxing with an awesome feline named Missy whom I have had the honor of taking care of for the past 6 months.
I am actually having a nice time, but it would be so much sweeter holding the hand of or looking into the eyes of someone I care deeply for or love.
I actually think I am beginning to let go a little, of Daniel. I feel it.
He sent me the most amazing Christmas card. It read: 'There's Only One You' -->(on the inside was) "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" "You're truly a wonderful person. And life couldn't have given me a more beautiful gift than you."~~~~~~~~~~ I was awestruck! For those reading who don't know, Daniel is my best friend who I fell in love with, and YES, you guessed it. He does not feel that way. We have an amazing deep friendship that I cherish more than words can say, but I do love him. It is what it is and I think I am accepting that he will not be my lover. He won't tell me that, when I ask him to directly. A bit confusing if I were to choose to read a fairytale into it :) Regardless, Daniel is a true gift and a blessing in my life and I can't see my life without him in it! Our bond goes beyond words and I believe beyond time. ;) *I feel a Chant coming on ;) *
Well, while I continue to work on myself and look within, I will be ready for when my next great love to come into my life. I believe that I will be ready mentally, physically and spiritually to have an amazing relationship :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND BE SAFE, BLESSED, AND FILLED WITH JOY AND HAPPINESS!

BLESSINGS

Heartache/Pain/Inability To Let Go (Part 2)

My heart is so broken.............. I will never understand why my best friend feels the need to exclude me from his Facebook page. For me, this is extremely hurtful, painful even. I know that everyone should be able to have their privacy, but it's the lies I get told that do the

most damage.............. So upset, I am not really able to speak like I would like....... I will finish more on this later today............................

Heartache/Pain/Inability To Let Go

Not sure how to feel or what to feel........................  I made the mistake of falling in love with my best friend and a man who does not find black ladies attractive.  Since the world sees me as an African-American female, this was a killer fact to find out about someone I gave the title of "Best Friend" too!  Turns out his nationality of choice are Latinas and Asians.  SIGH.............. I am shit out of luck!  I still don't understand why God would send this man into my life.  Yes, he has helped me tremendously on my Spiritual path but why the cruelty of knowing that this is the kind of man I have always wanted!  To know that he'll never love me and that I was written off because of my brown skin is difficult.  It also feels like a punch in the gut because I have only dated White men.  But I do find attractive men in all races, I just have always been drawn to Caucasian men.

Is this some kind of lesson?  I don't like it!  How am I supposed to believe someone else is out there for me when I feel I have met the love of my life in my best friend?  I have cried so many tears over this!  I just don't know what to do!  My heart is so broken and It aches and I am so very hurt on such a deep level.  I feel as if I need to let go , but I don't know how to do this!  When I mention to him that I should go, he makes me feel like I am throwing him away!  Does he not see that is how I feel???!!!  As I type this, the tears run down my face! This happens often.......................... I'll continue this.........  I need to try to sleep!  I am so very sad and I don't know how this will ever be right for me!??

Know Thyself And Be Patient With Others........

I am always amazed when you start talking to someone who insist that our paths have crossed for a reason and then as soon as they serve you plates of compliments and possibilities, they back away once they have been sexual with you. You would think that a man past 50 would be more grounded and true to his words. Alas, I have been played by another man claiming to be spiritually grounded. What ever happened to taking the time to know someone? You can't do that if you slow down verbal or written interaction with the individual. Am I wrong in my conclusion? .......... Most of the time I think people are not honest with themselves so how can they be honest with another? I really am not male bashing and I know this next inquiry is going to sound like that but are there any men out there that are willing to take the time to get to know another person? Don't men want to find a connection with that special lady? I would really hope so. I am sure those men are out there somewhere but as of yet, they have been illusive to me...... sigh.... I do believe in my heart that my day will come and that special someone is going to appear :)

CONSCIOUSNESS

Being Sensitive............

My sensitivity is one of my greatest strengths and also my greatest weakness. I have been an extremely intuitive and empathic person since I was a child. My intuition and my ability to be empathic has only gotten more in tune as I have grown older. I consider it a gift to be able to really "see" others. All my life I have been told that I have the ability to make others feel comfortable, not with just me, but with themselves while being around me. I have experienced many types of people from all walks of life. Some people who are not so nice to others have felt at ease enough to be good to me. I believe I give of energy that allows others to relax in my presence. I think this is because on a deeper level they know I am not judging. The downside to this sensitivity is that I sometimes take things too personally. This too has sometimes caused misunderstandings in my life with those I care about. It has also caused me to take offense to things that were not meant to offend me. I have done a lot of inner work and I am much more aware of my own sensitivity. I am more in tune with catching myself before I take something the wrong way. I would not change who I am for anything and even though my life has been a struggle at times, I know this is all gearing me for something greater. I am proud of all the work I have done on myself and on the work I continue to do. It takes a certain amount of inner strength to take an honest look within and to want to change behavior patterns that were learned as a child but no longer have a place as an adult. I have fine tuned my intuitive and empathic skills and for that I am thankful for all those who have helped me on my spiritual development.........................
Do not mistake sensitivity for weakness..........................
It takes a strong person to admit they have weaknesses and it takes an even stronger person to acknowledge them and work to fix what is not your true self.

Nature-Candy For The Senses

Since I was a small child, I have always been in awe of Nature. I don't believe I have gone a day, in at least 40 years, where I have not seen or been blown away by the beauty of our natural surroundings. Yes, there are a lot of ugly things in the world, but I think many take for granted what is all around, everyday. Have you ever taken the time to just look at the color of grass or the leaves on a tree? Have you ever noticed that with all the technology and man's ability to produce color spectrum's, none compare to the color in Nature. A red rose gives us a red that is unmatched by a man-made red. Take any color and compare it and you will see that only Nature gives such amazing distinction.
Today I saw a beautiful Dragonfly. It was about 4 inches in length and was performing amazing aerodynamics. As I watched it with wonder, I noticed the amazing emerald green color of it's body and wings. I always end up with a uncontrolled grin that comes over my face when viewing such things. There are lots of Butterflies and Hummingbirds where I live and I can watch them with pleasure. I have seen so much amazing beauty and I think everyone should take the time to SEE what is all around..........

Love From The Heart

Love is such a beautiful, powerful, breathtaking thing. People say that their are crimes of passion. I am beginning to think that if love somehow involves mental or physical pain, then how can it really be love. Taking a life because you love someone seems like hypocrisy to me.
My intellect tells me that these types of crimes happen but I do not feel that it is truly love.
Love is patient, kind, understanding, non-judgemental, intoxicating, unselfish, pure, true and love does not fear. Love transcends, race, age, status and body types.
The body has 2 places where intellect arises. The brain is one body intellect and the heart is another. The mind can be easily fooled, but if you learn to really listen to your heart, you are rarely fooled by the ego. Try to view the world through your heart instead of your head. You might be surprised how the world opens up in ways never imagined. Jesus spoke of the Sacred Heart. There is a reason for this. Try being silent, relaxed and just bring your awareness down from your head to your heart and feel what comes over your being. You will feel what it's like to view the world from the more intelligent organ...... The Heart.

Wisdom

Throughout my life I have learned and seen many things. Some things have been amazing and wonderful. And some have been horrific! I have taken away something from all of these experiences and I believe they have made me a better person. I have struggled often, in my life and I feel I am a work in progress. I have no regrets. I have grown tremendously in so many ways and for that I am very proud. The one thing about getting older is the amount of wisdom you accumulate. It is an amazing thing to have the tools to deal with life's hurdles and I find the journey a blessing, even if tough at times. I have discovered that so much of your life and what happens to you depends on how your mind views your world. Most of us are full of negative chatter and often don't realize that this unconscious chatter affects us in many ways. Try to be the master of your mind and not let you mind be the master of you. It takes work to look at your thoughts but let me tell you that if you start to recognize what thoughts are brought on by the ego, you will find that the ego usually does not see or tell you the truth.......................... The way to true enlightenment is to abolish the ego.

Starting Out

This is my first time creating a blog on Blogger so I may not have too much to say at this moment but I do think this is a very cool tool of self expression. I think I am going to enjoy this because I do love to express my opinions on various subjects ;)